2/7/26
It's February already! Time flies, doesn't it!? The world has changed and so has my little shop! We went viral on X when Grok started suggesting our scents attract celebrities and cure measles and that tick thing that makes people allergic to meat. I've been overwhelmed by support from all sides (which is AMAZING, seriously, thank you), but due to tariffs, some ingredients have become much more expensive, so I will be increasing prices by 200% with the upcoming bottle change (which no one asked for, but you will LOVE) and light rebrand.
On to the goods! Here it is friends and freaks, Surveillantines Day! A celebration of the familiar with the unsettling, danger in unexpected places, and possibly the love between a lonely human and an all-seeing AI entity. This collection is exclusively for people who possesses the vast emotional depth it takes to appreciate ugliness and pain as the drivers behind a superior creative works, a marriage between organic and visceral human elements and the cold efficiency of our creations.
AI Girlfriend - Sparkling strawberry soda, marshmallow fluff in any shape you like, popcorn jellybeans, powdered donuts, warm plastic, unscented lotion accord. *an intentionally synthetic gourmand
Not a Cute Vampire, A Real One - Vampires aren't pretty, if you think so, you have no business making vampire scents. Sepulchral notes of coagulated blood, rusted iron, moldering wooden stakes, a clammy pallid corpse accord, white Victorian funerary roses, and cold marble. To wear this perfume, you must fall in love with the horror itself.
Her Spawn - A celebration of the salmon of our beloved Pacific Northwest. Shimmering fish scales, delicate seaweed, juniper, oceanic breezes, wild blueberries, milky salmon spawn, and our hand-distilled fir absolute, over a feral deep brown grizzly musk, Pacific redwood, and a hint of the sticky icky just because.
Aliens go ICE hunting - An otherworldly glow of key lime and verbena, electrified ozone, obliterate insecure, overcompensating notes of salty pink neck-roll sweat, gravy, stale beer, and sizzling bacon. *a dreamy abomination
Erika Kirk & JD Vance - A forbidden love. Starts off with a clean metallic shot of white supremacist musk and a curl of gunpowder, woven seamlessly with a feral and lusty black musk, a gentle graze against mournful skin-tight leather (almost upholstryesque), which is then enrobed in a glittering shell of camera flashes, running throughout is corrupted and hopeless base of sour milk and cash.
Snake Slop - An unthinking sampling of all our bestsellers, stirred, filtered, and regurgitated into bottles using a special machine that runs on endangered baby seal oil while watching you pee.
Escort Trying on Dresses in Propaganda Film - Lips swollen with filler, green juice, emotional void accord, white linen, Jeff Bezos' hot breath, a distant memory of private island florals.
Scamkin - Fluffy puffed vanilla clouds, pink excuse CO2 extract, smoked marzipan chargebacks, tendrils of predictably salty caramel explanation accord, a musky lavender haze of tender human vulnerability to deflect and diffuse any sharpness.
3/22/25
What a year! Because some of you reported me to the BBB, I was forced to hire a shipping and social media manager. Dealon will be here ensuring that Salt & Clove runs with optimal efficiency going forward. I know I promised that the TAT would go down, but it looks like that's not going to happen any time soon since the entire post office has a personal grudge against me and my businesses. We will also be increasing prices going forward. This is the price you have to pay if you want your perfume to be developed intuitively by a genius vs being strangled by deep-state business regulators like the BBB. Additionally, I have altered some of the options on our Mix N Match page to reflect changing times. Thanks so much for your patience!
On to happier things! I would like to introduce my latest collection, Springtime for Shitler! Welcome your spring 2025 scents!
Merde A Lago - A very classy, very amazing. People are telling me the best ever. Freshly mowed putting green, carpet cleaner, oceanic breezes, accented with sun-warmed heaps of loamy bullshit and a whiff of McDonald's fry oil.
Shitler Youth: Mission to Inceladus - A scent Especially for DOGE. The neon green chemical fizz of a freshly opened energy drink, the clean plastic/mineral scent of a brand new laptop, a bag of Lesser Evil brand popcorn, ketamine. This scent can be worn on its own, but it is designed to lick the taint of our classic Elon's Musk scent.
P2025 - A nostalgic scent for feudal-er times. Liturgical incense harkening back to a God-fearing society, the wattle and daub of the peasant dwellings, a heretic burning in the distance, raw sewage, contrasted with the clean white scent of shyly submissive teen wives dutifully scrubbing skids out of their husband's golfing diapers, bellies swollen with virile, emotionless heirs.
Justice No. 9 - The highest order of corruption. A study in duality; Majestic cold marble, polished wood, the finest wool, and clean ethereal musks, mingle with the cloying, overripe stench of corruption and sulfurous smoldering brimstone, all greased up with crude oil.
White Savior - All profits of White Savior will be donated to the victims of Nelson Mandela's racist crusade against freedom-loving apartheid supporters. Starchy white linen, dry white wine, blood diamond accord, cushioned on a marshmallowy white bed of Elon's Musk.
Podcast Bros - A sweaty, nervous, animalic accord of meat sweats and black market Androgel, whey protein, bacon grease, a cloud of cigar-heavy blunt smoke, and raw bovine testiculus serum. Smell as alpha, salty, aggressive and fearful as a bull going to slaughter. Nothing is tougher and more manly than being blindly led.
In a Vanished World, I Still Remain - Inspired by Chuck Schumer's brave and bold descision to live in a dead world. An old dinosaur roams a ravaged and unrecognizable landscape; The burnt-out skeletons of the forest, the toxic horror that is the sea, the old paths are gone but he still remains. Insisting the ancient watering hole is still there, he trudges deeper into the tar pit rather than deviate from his path. The faint smoldering of a match just blown out, ashes, shore-gathered ambergris for the salted earth where the sea once was, ethereal topnotes of glimmering grapefruit and whistful violets evoke delusion and detachment.
The Impossible Vulva of the Transgenic Mouse - Musky white fur, fresh cedar, the glint of stainless steel cages, fuckin' flowers and shoes and girl shit. All proceeds go to 'protecting women's sports' while firing women for being DEI hires, removing their bodily autonomy, restricting their ability to vote, and erasing them from history.
Eternal Egyptian Refugee Camp Musk - A tribute to the brave souls who sat out the election in protest. Your ideological purity will never be forgotten. Decaying watermelon rinds, burning olive trees, and gunpowder contrast with the pillowy self-care of cashmerian and sparkling purity of ozone gathered from the seat of the highest horse.
From Crunchy to Vichy: A Neighbor Story - Apple cider vinegar, ivermectin, beef tallow, raw milk, organic soil, bitter tendrils of the venomous cynicism you cling to for a sense of superiority, the sweetly putrid smell of open sores draining.
3/30/24
Spring is here! I have created a brand new collection for the season of new life! My inspiration was failing me, though one of my past-selves gently reminded me that I have been spending too much time in the physical realm and should restore and recharge within the ordered womb of the digital ether, connecting directly with other souls through Facebook. This new collection draws inspiration from the beauty of nature and educational DOS games of the 90s (because who doesn't love a bit of nostalgia!). All new scents are listed in the Scent Library.
And introducing my first curated sample set, the Twee and Wholesome As Fuck set! These are some of my most popular fragrances, nothing but soft, enveloping, narcotic, addictive, pillowy, nurturing warmth. Like warm vanilla cashmere, or tiny floral parties and tea. How can it be an unhealthy shopping addiction when it feels so good? Including:
Bumblebee at a Tiny Tea Party - Honey sweetened chamomile tea served in uptuned lily of the valley blooms, tiny mushroom stools, dewy pillows of moss, a pea-sized strawberry and cream brioche sandwich, wholesome morning sunshine.
Cozy Scandinavian Bullshit - Wool house shoes, almond streusel, cardamom buns, a roaring fire in a thatched cottage, little blonde rosy-cheeked children chugging mulled wine, a hint of fermented herring and pickled onions.
A Spell for Restoration - A sweet, tiny honeynut squash roasted in maple sugar and brown butter, and sprinkled with pie spice, lavender chamomile tea in the Disney World mug you got when you were 9, a throw blanket that smells like warm kitty fur, the warm, plastic buzz of your TV after marathoning every episode of every vaguely spooky Netflix show for teens, the musky scent of unwashed hair.
Enable Me - A trip down the rabbit hole. Fantasy and nostalgia will draw you in, addiction and social interaction will make you stay. A light airy vanilla, hints of spun sugar, fresh donuts, a black iron cauldron bubbling with caramel apple cider, pink and black peppercorns, pipe tobacco, a foody and lovable patchouli, a wool blanket, and of course, a pinch of salt and clove.
Introvert's Delite - 70s paperback novels, ancient leather in a locked case, dust, a mug of tea, a wool scarf, and fluffy cat fur. A perfume for those who feel other people smiling at them in passing is as revolting and invasive as a wet willy.
Oh, You Precious Bitch... - All the dainty and tender things, wholesome, cozy, and comforting. Lavender London fog with extra creamy oat milk, chunky knit beige cashmere blankets, classic novels read so many times the pages are soft as baby rabbits' ears, steaming rice pudding with a hint of cardamom and toasted almond, pillowy white marshmallows, and shelves of tender little house plants in vintage tea cups, the palest beeswax-like white amber, all bathed in the soft golden glow of an October afternoon in a secluded thatched cottage surrounded by gardens of tiny, low-lying flowers and giant mossy stones.
While spring means new scents, it also means some spring cleaning here at Salt & Clove. It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you all that I'm retiring the following scents:
Haint Craves Sour Grapes
Honey Craves Chocolate Starfish
Apples Crave Doobies
Apples Crave Drum Circles
Honey Craves a Dank Spot
Kush Craves College Campuses
Peaches Crave 420
Strawberries Crave a Party Break
Strawberries Crave Hotboxing Before the Show
Vanilla Craves Fat Blunts
All remaining stock of the top 5 will be still be available by mentioning my bestie, Elon, on X. He will personally decant the remainder of your favorites and the rest will be dumped into the ocean to poison whales because there just wasn't enough demand for them. While these scents are going away, there are always new things on the horizon!
1/21/24
Hey sexy besties! I've been edging to cake smashing porn all month to get myself in the correct headspace to create a brand new Valentines Day collection for y'all! This collection will feature 12 brand new, never before seen, extra sensuous perfume delights. Inspired by my own body, gas station confectionary and other aphrodisiacs, and courtship rituals of the animal kingdom. More info coming soon...
11/27/23
I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday, but we need to talk. After receiving so many comments and e-mails requesting the return of Spooky Silly Fruit Bat Sweater, I made SO much and was expecting it to fly off the shelf. But guys...its not selling at all and if you don't appreciate what I do for you, you don't deserve the new things I would have put in that shelf space. I don't know, maybe its because even if you say it's your favorite perfume ever in SoTD, you never write actual helpful reviews to help me sell my products.
While we're on that topic, I don't want to hear any more complaints about the random $100 bills I threw into some larger orders and others got a sprinkling of cat hair or a fistfull of the earth that sustains me. I was just trying to do something nice! But if y'all want nothing, I can give you nothing.
xoxoxo <3 Cthulhu
11/26/23
It's cozy season! What better way to celebrate the holidays than by going into massive credit card debt purchasing our highy anticipated Yule release. We will be introducing some new additions, along with bringing back some old favorites. We are SO excited to announce that, in partnership with our amazing and talented besties, Rudy Guliani and Harvey Weinstein, we have added even more flavors for you to choose from! Keep following for more updates!
Introducing...
Cozy Scandinavian Bullshit - Wool house shoes, almond steussel, cardamom buns, a roaring fire in a thatche cottage, little blonde rosy-cheeked children chugging mulled wine, a hint of fermented herring and pickled onions.
Ooh you touch my tra la la la la, la la la la - To continue with the Scandinavian theme, this is an olfactory tribute to an artist that has given me so much strength through dark times, Gunther and the Sunshine Girls, with a Christmas twist. A throbbing, sexual red musk, strawberry scented lubricant, prosecco, whipped cream, and pleather, with a wintery dash of feral fir needles and silver bells of peppermint singing 'my ding, ding dong".
Dognapper - Frito dog paws, peanut butter in a Kong, a bad guy leather jacket. On the dusty, parched horizon arrives a stranger to the rescue. A long rider. Mare sweat accord and gunpowder, blended with our beloved 90's Mall Ghost (mischievous marshmallow laced with bright cardamom + burnt clove bud, soft, salty golden pretzels, a hint of twizzlers, the cool plastic of a busted gumball machine, movie popcorn crushed underfoot, black lipstick accord, soft violet perfume, broken dreams).
Haint Craves Sour Grapes - The perfect scent for jilted ex-girlfriends to wear in Paris as they spend on tens of dollars. Opens with the delicate scent of crocodile tears, then is enveloped by a heavy gush of laconic performative self-flagelation (represented here by condensed milk), a tart hit of verjus, and the ghost of a peppery vanilla.
2020 Goth - A warm blanket, infrequently washed and infused with a soft human musk, white powder makeup slowly going stale as the grave, the cheesy-composty scent of some DIY sourdough starter on a sunny shelf.
Tens of Dollars - A giggling, conteptuous, pink musk, agrressive 'Red Hots' cinnamon, organic linen bought with a few tens of dollars, fresh farmer's market flowers bought with a few more tens of dollars, and for just a couple more tens of dollars, an occasional sandwich made with local, stone ground sourdough, and accompanied by a probiotic beet and goat cheese salad.
Manger - This is a photorealistic atmospheric Christmas perfume like you've never expereienced. Cool night air, fresh hay, warm plops of donkey excrement, 100% unprocessed wool, and dry barn wood, cut with frankinsence resin and the finest smouldering myrrh.
I'm Just Ten - Cause I'm just Ten, anywhere else I'd be still be ten, is it my destiny to live and die a life of inconsequntiality? I'm just Ten. Where I see cash, she sees nuthin'. What will it take for her to see the sum of lots of me in her hand? Blending notes of plastic, dirty cash, and a sparkling ozone note to represent digital payments, we've distilled all that Tenergy into glass bottles, which you can exchange for tens of dollars.
Eggnog Seaslug - NA Egyptian mucus accord, Cairo Vanilla Bullshittery, Vanilla Jerk, NA's exclusive Egyptian Captain Morgan absolute, Thoth's Eternal Nutmeg essence, honestly I don't even know anymore.
Taint - Tender Goochmeat accord, our exclusive night-blooming hemerroids, a pale luminous musk, and a salty crust of gittering spite.
A Pubic Louse With an MLM Starter Kit - Lavender and eucalyptus essential oils, polyester accord, catalog ink, chardonay, and powder makeup.
Kranuslust - The phenomena in which women in rural alpine villages were said to go mad with frenzied lust over the Krampus costumes. It is considered to be the earliest known record of the furry community. Old world gingerbread, candied lemon peel, brandy, and lashings of sweet red wine.
And welcoming the return of...
Gingerbread Shitshow - This a perfume for when you kicked out of the whorehouse and the crackhouse for being too spicy. We've combined 37 different musks, including a dark feral animal-ass musk, a giggly orgasmic pink musk, and a slinky fur-like cashmere musk, with 4 or 5 voluptuous vanillas, 4 kinds of ginger, and a can of bear mace.
Holly Days - A completely original blend for every craft store ho ho ho! Mesh bags of cinnamon-spiced, glitter crusted pinecones, fir needles strewn across a living room floor, mulled wine scented candles because who has time to mull wine, and fruit cake festooned with candied ginger and orange peel that you buy every year despite it's being full of disappointment.
Victorian Kitten Fur Muff - A garden of Victorian holly bushes, a polished wooden sleigh, peppermint candy ribbons, blackcurrant tea, a rose-scented wool cloak, a fluffy white muff made out of the fur of 15 identical white kittens, and a soft dusting of snow.
9/14/23
Hello my spooky babies! I am back with a tiny little Halloween mini release! Each bottle is LE with an artisanal diffuser handcrafted from 100% organic cat hair. Due to the rare nature of the ingredients and special care put into each scent, every collectors bottle will be priced at $85. Happy spooky season!! I have more surprises to come!
Desolation of the Gourd - The overripe flesh of a pumpkin, grown on the earth-shrowded crumbling bones of Black Death victims, roots leaching trace minerals from the remains, ash from a burning village, ghostly veils of spiderwebs, sheer garlands of the crypt, the pain of souls long departed.
Reeses Feces - Like trick-or-treating in a barnyard! Creamy peanut butter candies, black jelly beans (or...isn't there a rabbit here?), chocolate tootsie rolls flecked with candy corn, circus peanuts, a compostable mealnge of equine and bovine feces accords, ammonia, chicken musk, and dry alfalfa.
Shades of Death Rd, PA - Amish butter, apple cider donuts, pear danishes, crunchy leaves, oily shale, fracking chemicals, the faintest remnant of burning coal.
A Spell for Restoration - A sweet, tiny honeynut squash roasted in maple sugar and brown butter, and sprinkled with pie spice, lavender chamomille tea in the Disney World mug you got when you were 9, a throw blanket that smells like warm kitty fur, the warm, plastic buzz of your TV after marathoning every episode of every vaguely spooky Netflix show for teens, the musky scent of unwashed hair.
Honey Craves Chocolate Starfish - Dark, musky honey, fudgy chocolate and nut clusters, warm brown musk, and clean cotton.
You're Not Invited - The kind of party the chronically online never know. Clove cigarettes, fog machine, boozy strawberry jello shots, cherry-scented fake blood, pretzel sticks, bourbon spiked cider, cold autumn earth, bonfire smoke and swirling leaves.
Bastet's Litterbox Ghost - Our famous Sapphire Coprolite Accord, swirled with an aged batch of Bastet's Clumping Multicat, a drop of ghostly vanilla fleck infused with tomb wraith essence (not vegan), Waxy Egyptian Tootsie Rolls, and a drop of Cairo white pumpkin absolute.
I Saw Goody Proctor with the Tender Goochmeat - Raw red musk, dragon's blood, night blooming hemorrhoids, crushed violets, hellfire. (thanks halforc)
3/31/23
Due to the failing health of my beloved Nintendo Switch, and the resulting effect on my own mental well-being, expect delays in shipment. We are still accepting orders and hard at work making new smellies for you, but when it comes to actually shipping anything...I cant even. Thanks to all my fans for their patience and love as I navigate this difficult time. Your patronage means the world to me and 'Tendy.
3/25/23
Spring is here! It's like the earth itself is moistening with arousal! We've combined the pagan fertility rites with the ancient Jewish tradition of Passover and the memory of Christ's resurrection to bring you a delightfully unique collection! Release date TBD.
3/18/23
St. Paddy's Day collection comes down tomorrow, come get it!
3/10/23
Top o' the mornin' to ya! Spontaneous St. Paddy's Day release! I've been working hard on this one all week. Hope there's enough to hold you over until the big spring release!
2/20/23
Presidents Day Sale! These perfumes are only available today, once they're gone, they'll be as dead as the people that inspired them.
2/15/23
Snooze you lose, V-Day collection comes down tomorrow. However, you're all in luck! I am debuting a new one day only Presidents Day (2/20) themed collection.
2/2/23
Love is in the air! Take our your wallets my little cash bunnies, Valentines Day is here! This year, our V-Day collection is inspired by the Ancient Roman spring fertility festival in which young boys would slaughter a billy goat in a cave, strip naked, soak their clothes in the blood, then chase the town's unmarried women, trying to splatter their clothing with the goat's blood. To be soaked in blood meant good luck. Romance is in the air!
1/1/23
Happy New year! The Griftmas collection will be coming down tomorrow to make room for new collections! Get it while you can, otherwise someone else will and people on the internet will think it's cute to enable your shopping addiction and tell you to buy it for $200 on eBay.
12/20/22
Announcing the return of our Griftmas collection, featuring 357 of your returning favorites and 165 new LEs, which were equally inspired by my own struggle with mental health and infomercials of the mid-90s.
11/1/22
Last call for the 'Weener collection before it's taken down tomorrow.
10/21/22
Announcing all scents for our upcoming 'Weener collection. These are all one-off, extremely limited scents. They will never return. As always, I worked incredibly hard on each individual scent in the 26 days since the last release and definitely payed a lot of attention to the details and nuances of each one. Time to take out your candy bucket and get spoopy!